Cold

Saturday, what I initially thought was the beginning of my downhill battle with cedar allergies turned out to be a rather nasty cold. Yea- no allergies (yet!). Boo- cold.

I had the fantastic notion on Sunday to not take any medicine so that the sickness in my body could play itself out as much as possible without me suppressing the symptoms. Which means I was nothing short of miserable all day- especially in the evening when I starting running a mild fever. I drank a lot of liquids, including many cups of steeped ginger. Body aches obviously do not lend themselves to asana practice, so none was done. Finally, by about 6:30pm I took some Nyquil and was in bed within an hour.

My fever broke sometime in the night and despite a lot of tossing and turning (and many trips to the bathroom thanks to all of the liquids I drank all day) I slept for a good 12 hours. This morning I called and canceled my doctors appointment because ironically one is not supposed to go to the doctor when they are sick- wouldn't want to get the other sick people even sicker!

Today I am embracing the magic that is Dayquil. I'm up to using the neti pot three times a day (for fear that I won't be able to use it at all if I get too stuffed up). No homework was done yesterday so I have a massive amount to do today. I will get done what I can. I also have a couple of posts I want to write for my other blog, so we'll see when I'm able to get those done. I really hope I am all better within the next day or two because I have a yoga workshop to go to this weekend (Sat and Sun afternoon) that I don't want to miss!

Triple Play

Thanksgiving day I happened to do a little mild bareback horseback riding (more on that adventure coming soon to Schmetterling Times) so Friday my inner thighs (especially the left one) were pretty darn sore! The good "I worked some muscles" kind of sore. Not the continued "psoas mischief" sore that I wish would go away. Anyway, I did very little in the way of yoga or stretching on Friday.

Today I downloaded several short MP3's by Lillee Chandra from aliveyoga.com to do in succession because they sounded like they'd go pretty well together and hit some of my sore spots! I started with Yoga Remedy: Shoulders and Neck which is 16 minutes. Next I did Yoga Remedy: Lowback which is 18 minutes. Finally, moving right down the body I finished with Yoga Remedy: Hips which was 24 minutes.

I was excited to read in her bio that Lillee Chandra has gone through Forrest Yoga Advanced Teacher Training. I was also a little tickled that these three sessions fall under the "restorative" category, but are unlike any "restorative" yoga I've ever done. They were slow and focused, but completely engaged. I REALLY wish there were more short audio sessions like these offered on aliveyoga.com. It'll be nice to have such short options available for the days I feel like I don't have any time. However, on days when I feel like I do have time (like today), it's nice to string several together for a longer practice.

More soon, time for bed now!

Thanksgiving Yoga

So I was going to go to a yoga class this morning at 8am (one of only a few that are being offered today I'm sure). I went to bed at 9pm so that waking up at 6:30am wouldn't be painful! I woke up around 4:30am to use the bathroom and after lying back down, couldn't get back to sleep. The left side of my back, from just under the shoulder blade down to my sacrum and through my outer hip into my IT band and hip flexor and a solid hands width above my left hip bone, was killing me. Well "killing me" may be a little too strong, but "nagging me" is definitely not strong enough! It's pinching and tight and painful. After tossing and turning for awhile, I got out of bed at 5:00am and got straight into an epsom salts bath.

I did jala neti afterwards and got dressed for yoga. I have plenty of time to roll on the tennis balls and use the heating pad before class. However, I'm not sure anymore that I am going to go to the 8am yoga class.

I was reading a post by a friend of mine and in it she posed a question: "What do you need to nourish yourself, feed your spirit?" and followed up later with this thought: "You are worth taking care of. Decide now that you will take the time you need to nourish & nurture yourself during the holidays."

On one hand this motivates me to go to yoga class, but on the other hand I have to wonder if that would really be the most nourishing thing for my body and spirit. I am in some distinct discomfort and I don't want to aggravate this physical condition any further. While I'm still not 100% on what I should be doing to heal from this, I have a few ideas about what might feel good this morning.

I've been awake now for almost 2 hours and kind of feel tired (a small nap later in the morning before we hit the road sounds plausible!) Also I'm a little afraid that the class I was planning on going to would require a lot of undulating "free" movement which is uncomfortable for me on many levels and I don't think it's the best thing for my back/psoas issue either. I think it will be more nourishing for my body to stay home and work on my own. I'll move through my basic home routine, but skip things as needed and throw in other things I think will help (like back traction stuff). Plus I'll get to roll on the tennis balls and become one with the heating pad as needed!

The other reason I've come to this decision is because it feels more nourishing to my spirit to be home with my husband this Thanksgiving morning. I can help prepare the last of the dishes we're responsible for this morning (or at least be around to offer moral support and cheer him on!). We can enjoy breakfast together instead of eating separately and sparingly.

I've already gotten off to an accidentally great start this morning with nourishing my body. I will continue with that and nourish my spirit by spending time with my husband and then later in the day with friends. All the while reminding myself of how grateful I am for everything in my life- the good and the bad.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Good Lookin' Out

Yesterday I didn't practice with a DVD or an MP3. I've gone through all of the 1 hour (or so) classes that I have in those formats and before I start repeating them too much I'd like to get some more to throw into the mix. I have several 90-120 minute MP3's and even more that are around 3 hours (eek!) but Tuesday's and Thursday's are my tight (on time) days which is why I stay home to practice in the first place. I don't have time to do a 3 hour practice on those days (besides the fact that practicing on my own for that long is super intimidating!)

I did most of my usual stretching routine instead.

Today I went to a morning class instead of the evening class I've been going to on Wednesday's the last couple of weeks. Same teacher, but the class moves a little slower and focuses much more intently on alignment. My teacher kept a close eye on me in class today and I appreciate that. From the cues and instruction I was given today, I gather that to work on my flexibility/strength imbalance I need to concentrate on keeping my low belly in and my tail bone down (pelvic loop) in forward bends (and probably in all if not most poses) and work on backbends with the belly down (ex: salambhasana/locust pose).

This is helpful because while I agree there must be an imbalance in my strength and flexibility, left to my own devices I am unsure just where I need to increase my strength to keep from aggravating my psoas in the future.

I become terribly conscious of how much I don't know when I'm working with an injury or a sore spot in my practice.

With Christmas around the corner (hence an excuse to splurge a little bit on oneself) I think I'm building up to trying to get a couple of private lessons in with a teacher so I can get some more personal instruction. Meanwhile I'm going to try and gather the nuggets of info that I know about and put together a little routine for myself of poses that feel really good when this psoas is feeling mischievous and strengtheners I can do to try and balance out my strength with my flexibility.

Suggestions welcome :)

That Shakespeare Play

Went to my women's yoga class tonight. We covered all of the forward bends on the Anusara Level 1 syllabus. We finished with some pranayama, meditation and had a longer savasana than usual. I learned the difference between yama (control) and ayama (expansion) and that in Anusara they focus on pranyama being an expansion of the lifeforce (prana). Cool!

My psoas mischief is feeling a lot better than it was on Saturday. It isn't ALL better, but definitely on its way. As one of my teachers suggested, I am working on holding back a little in class so I can better listen to my body. This is hard. But every class is a new opportunity to keep trying!

What else is up? Not much- unless you count the fact that after my class tonight- as I was trying to leave the private residence of my teacher- my car died and when I tried to call my husband my cell phone died. Ha! What are the chances?! So I went back inside and asked to use the phone. I gave the husband directions and then went down to the car to wait. Felt a little bad about holding up my teacher because she had a private lesson to go teach! My prince charming came and jump started my car- and gave me a lesson on how to do just that for future reference! :)

The ironic part is that we truly had plans to replace the battery in the Honda on Sunday, but didn't go out that day and kind of forgot. And I guess it's been a few days since I last charged my cell phone.

It all worked out in the end, but I have decided to make sure I am all charged up- car battery AND cell phone- before I drive anywhere else! :) My prince of a husband is going to take care of the car tomorrow so that I can drive to yoga on Wednesday (plus we have a bit of a drive- 90ish minutes- to get to our T-day gathering on Thursday)!

All's well that ends well :)

Mischief

I decided to skip going to public classes this weekend to give the mischief in my body time to recover.

Saturday the pain/ discomfort peaked. The area affected ended up spanning from my left lower back (between the lower ribs and sacrum), wrapped around to my front left side (between my lower ribs and my hip bone), down through my left buttock and around into my IT band/ hip flexor/ quad so I'm definitely leaning towards thinking it is my psoas and related parts.

Yesterday I went through my personal routine and even though I skipped the standing poses (warriors, triangle, extended side angle) I had a hard time getting through even a couple of the sun salutations I tried to do to warm up. Stepping my left leg up into a lunge from downdog was quite painful and tight. I moved through the rest of the stretches gently and slowly.

I've been one with the heating pad.

Luckily today is better. I skipped the whole sun salutations part today and simply did joint rotations and again moved through the rest of my stretches as gently as I could. I think I'll be okay to go to my class tomorrow night and modify as needed. Hopefully all of the mischief will be gone in another week or so.

It seems like more than a coincidence to me that this same type of injury happened to me this summer when I was working a lot with this particular teacher into very deep poses and then here I am, many months later, and after only the second class back with her and working into some very deep poses the same thing happens.

It's like my body isn't ready to work that deep- or as suggested in earlier posts- maybe my body needs to come out of these deeper poses in different ways. It makes me shake my head in wonder as to why work that deep? Like why should I put my body into these poses so deeply. Why isn't just going into the pose enough? Just because I can eek out a few extra inches or cm or mm, should I?

It's so interesting because this particular teacher has been speaking lately about working deeply or on the surface. She was saying that as yoga practitioners the focus isn't on things that are right/wrong, good/bad, but if things are on the surface or if they are on a deeper level. Rather than butchering her thoughts further with paraphrasing I'll point you to the post here. I love what she has to say about it all, but I'm left scratching my head and wondering what to do.

It seems when I try to go deeper I injure myself (obviously this particular area of my body has some preexisting tightness or something that leaves it susceptible to this kind of mischief when I go deeper in poses [backbends]!) so what does that mean? Am I unable to go to her classes? Do I need to pull back more and modify in class? I always feel like it seems like I'm not working as hard as I can if I don't do all that's being asked of me in class (to my fullest capabilities). I don't know.

Something I need to figure out though so that this doesn't keep happening. I really want to keep going to this teacher's classes because I learn a lot on many levels. I just need to figure out how to do it without mischief occurring in my body!

Enough of this for now. It's time to re sync the Nano and put some new albums on and create some new playlists! LOVING the Kings of Leon album we just bought (Only By Night) and the Florence and the Machine album (Lungs)!

Discomfort

My low back/sacrum/buttock issue is....more than I thought it was. What I mean is that what I first attributed to discomfort associated with the left side of my sacrum has now blossomed to include the muscle in my low back and down through my IT band.

I'm still not explaining this very clearly.

If you place your left hand on your low back, fingers facing down towards buttocks, then turn the fingers in towards the spine a little so they are pointing more towards your sacrum- that whole area where your hand is- from the bottom of the back ribs to the sacrum is now tight on me. While I was in savasana today at the end of class that whole area was twitching. I've been noticing my IT band getting tighter and more sore on the left side since Wednesday night as well (even my left hip flexor is getting tighter!).

So I don't know if I'm having a sacrum issue as much as I'm having a psoas issue- or maybe it's a little of both- maybe a ligament that connects the two? I don't know! But there is distinct discomfort :)

I've moved on to using a heating pad and continue to use arnica oil. Think I might take some more ibuprofen. If the area I'm talking about is tight and hurting then it's likely something in there is inflamed and the ibuprofen will help knock out that inflammation!

Meanwhile I'll keep stretching (mindfully) and rolling on tennis balls (spent a LOT of time on the tennis balls last night) and continue to practice mindfully in yoga classes. It'd just be super great if this would clear up sooner than later though! I feel like I've been through this same song and dance before and I'm ready for a new tune!

About my yoga class today....ugh. And I mean that in a good way actually. I went to a Prana Flow class (vinyasa of the Shiva Rea vein) with Sanieh today. Today this sweet teacher offered a very undulating class in honor of the rainy day and following Mother Nature's lead so to speak. This type of class is very challenging for me though! For instance, she brings us into a pose (a lot of Warrior I & II today) and from there we were given the "freedom" to undulate our spine/ upper body/ torso while staying grounded and integrated in the legs. But we were in these types of spaces for a long time and all through class.

I find it so challenging to move "freely" and "fluidly" and undulating-like! I did small movements and usually ended up in some stillness and focused on my breath. They were long holds and it's all I can do to focus on the breath. She mentioned that sometimes pulsing, undulating movements within a long hold can help us maintain that long hold. But it kind of makes me cringe. It's a good kind of discomfort though :)

I go to this teachers classes KNOWING that I'm likely to experience this discomfort- be asked to do things outside of my comfort level- and I purposefully attend in order to TRY to do just that. She knows of my challenges though and supports my efforts :) I literally got up from her one of my early classes with her a year ago and left because I was so uncomfortable. But I keep going back because I think it's a kind of discomfort I need little doses of :)

So there you have it- a day full of discomfort- physical and otherwise- but not all bad :)

Sacrum Update

Last night I did ice my low back/sacrum/left buttock one more time before bed and then rubbed some arnica oil into the area. I tried to sleep with awareness and not over arch my low back (because I know I do that sometimes). This morning I iced the area again before school and rubbed more arnica oil on it. I definitely feel discomfort any this area still- especially when walking back and forth to school with my backpack on!

When I got home from class I decided to do the Gentle Forrest Yoga MP3 with Heidi Sormaz again. This time I did the full 1 hour and 35 minutes of it. One might think that with the sacrum issue I'm having maybe the Sacrum Stabilization MP3 with Heidi Sormaz would make more sense, but while I want to be conscious of working carefully with this area I don't really want to do a whole practice about the sacrum.

Besides, most of the Forrest yoga DVD's/MP3's I've done so far all work a lot with lengthening out the low back, giving back traction, etc.... With today's practice I was still able to focus on my injured area and align it with the cue to choose a chakra to work with- in this case the 2nd chakra was perfect. Heidi said this chakra involves trust and relationships. Interesting.

So this time I didn't take notes through out and am really glad I did the full practice. Last time I did it (which was the first time) I stopped after the second side of the standing series and apparently missed the big dessert!!! The sequence after the standing series was like riding down hill on a bike after having worked so hard going up hill to get to the top (more on the joys of downhill desserts in mountain biking here). I stayed very aware of my area and did most of the modifications she mentioned for low back issues.

Something I realized (I think for the first time) is that in Forrest yoga when they say breathe into a spot, I always inhale and focus my exhale into the spot when really I think it's the other way around. At the end of the class today Heidi said something that made me realize I have been doing this backwards. So during savasana I really focused on INHALING into my area and letting the exhale go. Another reason this focus during savasana was helpful was because I felt tired! I think I would have fallen asleep otherwise.

I felt great afterwards though- kind of mellow and zen-like. It felt good to work hard on my own again and felt even better to not freak out on the husband in the middle of my practice! I iced my area again after lunch and think I'm going to go take a nap now (first a little more arnica oil!). I'm just feeling very sleepy- heavy lidded- this middle part of the week usually takes a lot out of me.

I think there were other things I wanted to mention, but I can't remember them right now :) That's what I get for not taking notes during practice and for feeling sleepy...time for a nap!

Not Far From Frustration to Hilarity

I say this because tonight my commute to yoga class was abhorrible. Last week I arrived 30 minutes early so this week I thought it'd be a good idea to leave 15 minutes later. Oh what a difference 15 minutes can make during rush hour traffic. I almost got into TWO accidents- one right in my parking lot as I was trying to leave and one shortly after while trying to get on the highway. One would have been my fault and the other would not have been my fault. Luckily, neither one took place, but it still does a number on the nerves!

It took me a full 45 minutes to get to the studio. I despise being late for yoga class and most times will just not go if it looks like I'm going to be late, but I'm trying to get back into a consistent class schedule and would lose a lot of face with this teacher if I didn't show up this week. Plus it would have taken me twice as long to get back home if I turned around and skipped class. Despite being held up at the front desk while checking in (won't even go into that!) I had time to pee and turned out the door to the classroom was still open when I got up there. I was able to set up and sit down before class officially began. What a relief. The commute was frustrating to say the least, but I'm glad I didn't freak out more than I did over it because it ended up working out in the end and I wasn't even late for class.

I find the hilarity in it all in that the same drive took me only 12 minutes coming home. Mark my words when I say I will do everything in my power to avoid me or my husband having any kind of hellacious commute in the future. I'll "suffer" through it for some yoga classes, but if either one of us as a job we will live as close as we have to in order to avoid experiencing that on a daily basis!

Speaking of hilarity- actual merriment was to be found in class! The teacher shared a lot of good food for thought (as usual) and we did a lot of quad stretching to work towards back bends. We did Pincha Mayurasana and I found some usually elusive balance in this pose that was a lot of fun! Then we culminated in Urdhva Dhanurasanaworking at the wall. She had us focus on pushing our tailbone up to the sky in order to find more opening in the chest and then walk the feet in and repeat the process if you had more room left to go.

This teacher knows I had some lower back issues earlier this summer so during this pose she came over and asked if I was doing alright- at the time I was extremely deep into the pose and everything felt fine. Super intense, but fine. After class she came back over to me and asked how my back was doing and I told her it was doing great. And it was. I didn't have any twinges, or twangs, or cramps, or sharp pains in the the pose or immediately afterwards.

However, by the time I sat down in my car to drive home I started feeling some discomfort in my lower left back/sacrum/buttock area. Uh-oh. Since getting home I've done a small sacrum adjustment that I know of (more on that later) and tried doing some stretches, but soon realized that was causing me more pain so I stopped. I rolled on the tennis balls and then after dinner I iced and took some ibuprofen. I'll ice again before going to bed. And I'm back to frustration!

I'm frustrated that I might be hurt again. I'm frustrated that if I am, it is all my fault. I'm frustrated that my body didn't give me any signals in the pose that I was going too far. Or if it did I'm apparently blind to them. It'll be frustrating to show up to class next week injured (if I am) knowing how much the teacher checked on me- it's like a black mark on my level of studentship- as if I am unable to listen to my body well enough to keep this from happening. Gah! Before I go down that spiral too far I'll wait and see how I feel tomorrow and over the next couple of days.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for that next hilarity...!

Practice Notes

Sunday I did a self-practice of my go-to stretching routine.
Monday I didn't do even that.

For today I did Ana Forrest's Strength & Spirit DVD (~60 minutes). Something that is coming up for me is difficulty with the cues to hold the breath. I've written before about how I have trouble inhaling deeply and so when a teacher gives the following instructions:

inhale deeply
(they pause)
hold the breath
(they pause again)
then finally exhale

I find it difficult because I've been basically holding my breath since half through the time given to just inhale initially (if that makes sense).

This DVD brings this to my attention because the ab work has a lot of these types of cues as well as the shoulder shrugs in Warrior II, but I have had similar experiences in public classes.

Just making note of it so I can be aware of it and try to work on it.

I must say that I quite enjoy the guided savasana Ana Forrest gives in this DVD. I always enjoy a guided savasana. The best case scenario to me is for there to be enough time to be guided into savasana and then left on our own for a few minutes longer and then to be brought out of it. Best of both worlds. :)

I'm glad I got some practice in today. A big thing I noticed last week about doing yoga for 6 days in a row is how sore I was. A big reason for that was because I hadn't been practicing consistently before that. I want to keep practicing consistently enough so that I'm not experiencing that degree of soreness so often. Of course there might be a killer class here and there that will bring out some soreness and that's okay. I just want to keep from being sore simply because I'm starting and stopping my practice all of the time. Like if you start running, the first few days are going to make you sore as hell, but if you keep running you won't get as sore. However if you only run once a week or run for say 3 days in a row but then skip 2 weeks- you're going to be super sore always!

Trying to avoid all that. :)

Glorious Waste of Time

30 minute drive during morning rush hour traffic
20 minute wait in the waiting room watching ESPN
45 minute psychological assessment by a licensed clinical social worker
=
Confirmation that I could benefit from therapy. If I choose to jump through a few more hoops I might be able to start said therapy sometime after the first of the year.

What a Glorious Waste of Time.

The man was nice enough, but isn't even the person I'd be going to therapy with if I eventually made it to that stage. He gleaned from our conversation that I am a perfectionist and judge myself very harshly. He thinks I could benefit greatly from therapy and possibly medication if I decided to go that route. The next step would be for me to go to an orientation the second week of December and then be put on a wait list for individual therapy that would start sometime after the first of the year. I have finals the day of the orientation so I won't be going to that. Plus we might be moving at the end of the year so I am just going to wait. If we do move and get some different health insurance I will try to get set up with a therapist and start working on my issues. Until then I guess I just carry on and do the best I can.

I think I'm going to finally break down and buy a workbook off of amazon.com that might help me work with my self-mutilating habit. I've looked at them before, but get overwhelmed by all of the choices and am never sure which one to get. It's time to just choose and give it a go. It can't hurt and maybe it'll even help.

I think I'm going to go lose myself in an episode of So You Think You Can Dance and then after lunch try to get some homework done.

How It Goes

Friday I made it to a 75 minute Prana Flow class. It was a really good class. Saturday I went to a 75 minute "Vigorous" class with an Anusara Inspired teacher. Again- a good class. That makes 6 days in a row of yoga. Small victory!

This morning my plan was to go to a Kundalini star (beginner's) class. However, when I woke up one of the first things I did was slip into my self-mutilating habit. I don't know why. I was looking forward to going to the Kundalini class. I even busted out my sole Kundalini book last night and flipped through it a bit. I woke up early enough to take a shower and eat a little something before class. The only thing that was "wrong" was that it had been a few days (kind of) since I really engaged in the self-mutilation and the urge had built up. And I gave in. Then I didn't want to go to yoga anymore. I didn't want to leave the house. I felt bad. I didn't even do jala neti after my shower. That's how it goes. When I make poor choices and engage in self-destructive habits then I stop doing things to take care of myself.

When I decided I wasn't going to yoga this morning I tried telling myself that it was because my hands/wrists/forearms are sore and I need a break. I decided my body felt tired and I should give it a day of rest. I figured I could spend more time with my husband this morning and enjoy breakfast together. I would be able to get an earlier start on my homework. All of these things are true. But the bigger [uglier] truth is that I engaged in my self-mutilating habit and didn't want to go anywhere. As sure as it damages me on the outside, it damages something in my heart at the same time. That's how it goes.

Luckily I recently got health insurance and I have an appointment tomorrow to talk to a psychologist. This is great because I could really use some cognitive behavioral therapy or something similar. Yoga alone is not going to "fix" me. That's how it goes.

This brings something else to mind that I think I want to talk about here. I recently read this "25 Random Things About Yoga" article by Lauren Cahn and while there are several things from the list I'd like to talk about, the one I'm going to focus on now is #12 which is about how yoga teachers are not psychologists, counselors or therapists (well, unless they are).

While I think that would be a fantastic combination and I'd love to go to therapy with a psychologist who is also a yoga teacher, I need to stop talking to my yoga teachers as if they were counselors. I admit that I do this. If I have a private lesson or an accidental private at a studio (meaning I happen to be the only student who shows up for class so I get a spontaneous private lesson) I usually share things with the teacher about what is going on with me. Get things off my chest. "Confess" terrible things about myself that I'm trying to work on (like my self-mutilating habit). Try to use my yoga lesson as grief therapy.

Often times I leave these types of sessions feeling better- at first. Feeling like I've been deeply listened to. Until I start to realize everything I've divulged. Then I start thinking about how I shared too much. Talked too much. Psychically threw up on the other person. I imagine them wiping off the slime of my neurotic anguish. I'm starting to realize how inappropriate this is.

I could so easily pay $3000 (give or take) and go through a teacher training program and upon its completion I would be a yoga teacher. That in no way prepares me to deal with other peoples psychological issues/ woes/ concerns/ troubles. Why do I think that these yoga teachers I talk to are in a position to deal with mine?! I now realize they aren't. Not in the least.

I feel very lucky that I'm going to get to go see a qualified psychologist tomorrow and start working on my issues from that end of things. I will continue with my yoga practice of course, but am not going to use my yoga teachers as counselors or therapists anymore. I will only consult with them on yoga stuff.

That's how it goes.

More Anusara and Forrest

Last night I went to a class with Christina Sell. I haven't been to one of her classes for a long time. In May and June I was getting to her classes at least 3 times a week which really amped up my practice and brought it to a whole new level. However, I don't think I was always "getting off the bus" when I should have been so I started to get injured (nothing big or major, but enough to affect my practice). So I started staying away.

Eventually I stayed away too long though and couldn't bring myself to go back because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to hang. Finally, with Wednesday nights now free for me because the Tai Chi series over, I decided to dive back in. As students gathered outside the door waiting for class to begin I started to feel extremely out of place, as if I didn't belong.

How crazily fitting it became to listen to what Christina's theme for class was- fighting the downward spiral our mind falls into telling us that we aren't worthy, aren't able and that we don't belong. How meaningful it was for me to hear her talk about these things since I was experiencing them at that very moment. The Sanskrit words for these three are:

anava mala- unworthy
mayiya mala- seperate
karma mala- unable

She mentioned how usually one is dominant for each person and then the other two just pipe in to help bring the person down! For me, the overwhelming dominant one is mayiya mala- the feeling of being separate from and not belonging.

You can read more of her thoughts all about it in this post on her blog (she's been talking about it in other posts this week as well), but basically she said we can use pratypaksha bhavana to fight these untruths that our mind tries to tell us. Pratypaksha bhavana meaning to do the opposite- so if a mala (accent placed differently than the word mala that means rosary), which is essentially a sheath or covering of the heart tells us an untruth- we focus on the opposite of what it's telling us and be our own cheerleader- tell ourselves that we are able, we are worthy, and we do belong.

It was a strong class and I simply did what I was able to do. Had the best Warrior III experience I've ever had :) and came away feeling a renewed enthusiasm for practice in general.

Today I did another Forrest Yoga MP3 with Heidi Sormaz for my home practice. It was the 100% Present class which is filed under "advanced" and is labeled as 2 hours long. Normally I wouldn't try anything called "advanced" at home, let alone try to practice for 2 whole hours! But I embraced the pratypaksha bhavana and instead of believing the untruth that I'm not able of doing such a thing, I hit play knowing that I'd be able to do SOMETHING.

It went well for the most part. A few things I was iffy on and if a teacher could have been a fly on the wall and see me attempt twisted root and splits in handstand and forearm balance they might have had a little heart attack, but it was fun. I ran to my computer a few times to try and check out images of poses I was unsure about- sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. Through out the practice I only really felt any frustration though if I had no clue what to do- if I missed any of the instructions and they weren't repeated I got confused. If it was simply a pose I couldn't do fully that was no problem- I just did it to the level I'm capable of at this time.

Meanwhile, the back door was open and the maintenance guys were mowing the lawn outside or something. The dishwasher was running. Everything was loud. Shortly after the 90 minute mark I exploded and lashed out at my husband for no reason whatsoever. Poor guy was just innocently cleaning up the kitchen and doing dishes when all of a sudden I start yelling at him that I felt like he was mad at me- mad at me for not being done with yoga- mad at me because lunch was on hold until I was done with yoga- he was, of course, nothing short of perplexed and confused. He tried to explain that he wasn't mad about anything at all. I grumpily turned away from him, feeling pressure to hurry- or something- even though it didn't come from him. I simply projected it.

He quite understandably retreated into the office and I followed fairly quickly and apologized with all of my heart for being so mean to him. I didn't know where that came from or why I said those things. With tears in my eyes I went back to try and finish the class. By this point my concentration was gone and I kept missing instructions or not understanding them fully. By the 98 minute mark I decide to just stop. Random note: the class is actually 114 minutes and not a full 120 minutes.

My favorite thing through out- besides playing with some fun versions of handstand and forearm balance that I mentioned earlier was doing the splits towards the end. For some reason I can't do a full standing split, but after being warmed up and open enough I can do full splits on the ground. I think maybe it has something to do with the difference between dynamic flexibility and passive flexibility (I have always had a greater capacity for the latter).

My least favorite thing was the explosion of meanness that came out of me. What an ugly, unnecessary, confusing moment. What a shining reminder of where I am and how very far I have to go.

Practice Update

Last night I went to my every other week women's yoga class and worked hard! It always blows my mind how hard I can work and how much I can sweat when doing Anusara yoga. I've mentioned before that my relationship to Anusara yoga is love/hate. Looks like I'm swinging back towards the love side as of late. One thing I really appreciate with Anusara is that I always feel like I'm being TAUGHT, rather than just led through a sequence. It's a big difference.

Since today is a school day I stayed home and did a Forrest DVD- the short form (30 minutes) on the Pleasure of Strength DVD. Again, ran into issues with timing and lunch and didn't have time to do the full 60 minute class. It was a little heavy on the sun salutations, but always interesting to go through familiar things in the Forrest way- lots of little differences to notice and play with.

I'm slowly forming a plan in my head for a yoga schedule- a regular slew of classes to attend each week. This week I'm experimenting with it to see how it goes and will share sometime soon!

Looking Back With Kindness

My grandma died on Halloween and since then I've been going through all of my photos looking for pictures of her. In doing so I've come across a lot of blasts from the past- pictures of me from as young as 5 and a smattering of some from middle school and high school. I look at them now and remember the girl who was in them- that girl hated the way she looked so very much. In fact I'm surprised there are even any pictures remaining to look back at- that girl tore up and threw out a lot of pictures of herself. I'm so glad she left some behind. Looking at these pictures now, I don't see ugly. And it breaks my heart knowing the pain I was in back then feeling ugly.

If only I could have seen then what I see now.

If only.

The compassion and kindness I feel for my younger self is intense and makes my heart ache. I feel awake to the lesson though. I'm going to start treating my current self with that same kindness and compassion I feel for the girl in those pictures. My self-destructive habit began when I was 10 and grew into the uncontrollable monster it is now- it fed on self-loathing and self-hatred. I'm going to stop feeding it.

(4th grade me back when it all started- can you believe I use to hate her?!)

I've always known that in order to stop engaging in my self-destructive habit I would have to start loving myself. My self-esteem is a lot better now than it used to be. I don't really care anymore that I don't have big boobs. I don't despise the birth mark on my right thigh like I used to. I'm over thinking my ankles are too skinny. I don't try to hide my toes anymore. I don't cover my mouth when I smile. I don't dwell on my love handles. But somehow, having gotten over all of those things didn't mean I grew to love myself enough to stop hurting myself. I've kept trying to squeeze the ugly out.

I want to stop now though. And not in the way that I've always wanted to stop. I want to stop hurting myself now because I don't want to treat myself the way I treated that girl in the photos. I don't want to look back ten years from now and feel broken hearted that I treated the 29 year old me with such hatred. I want to see the beauty in myself now that I know I'll see looking back.

Even all of the seemingly meaningless negative little comments I make to myself when I make a mistake have to stop. They add up. They shape my story of myself. For instance, if I make a mistake doing homework, instead of saying "Gah, I'm so stupid" I'll just start saying "Oops." No reason to be so mean to myself- even if it isn't serious and it's just an automatic response.

Feeling more kindness for myself really helps open my heart to feeling more kindness for other people as well. Gotta love positive chain reactions. That doesn't mean it's easy- but I'm trying.

The big self-destructive habit isn't going to just disappear with my new outlook, but it really feels like it's given some weight to my willpower. Friday I refrained. Saturday night I slipped. Sunday I refrained. Today was mostly good. It's a process. But I have a new reason to make it happen- not one I know logically, but one I know and feel viscerally.

Just Stretching

This weekend I am in Nebraska at my mom's house. I wasn't able to make it here in time for my grandma's funeral on Wednesday, but I still wanted to come out to see my mom and grandpa and visit my grandma's grave. It isn't the happiest way to come home (home as in where my mom is- I didn't grow up in Nebraska :D) for a visit, but it's still good to see family and be here for one another during this sad time.

It's a short trip too- have to get back to the school grind next week. I flew in on Friday morning and drove the 3 hours to Sidney and then I will drive back to Denver on Sunday afternoon and arrive back in Austin late Sunday evening.

While I'm here I'm pretty much just doing my good old stand by stretching routine. It's a little mindless (or maybe a lot) but it's better than nothing for the time being.

I'm looking forward to continuing my re dedication to my practice when I get back to town. Monday night is the women's yoga group again and then I'm going to really try to commit to some regular classes through out the week.

More thoughts soon on memories and self-esteem issues that have come up for me over the last week...

Curses on Negative Samskaras!

Negative samskaras (patterns) are so blasted hard to break free from!!! I refrained from my self-destructive habit for a day and a little ways into this morning. I did very nice self-care things for myself instead (minus the plethora of mini candy bars). I planned on doing yoga in the early afternoon and was looking forward to it. And yet I still found myself engaging in my self-destructive habit by late morning. Ugh!

It. Is. So. Hard. To. Stop.

Despite my damaging slip, I carried on with my day and did yoga as planned. Another MP3! It was Core Strength for Back Support with Heidi Sormaz. I wasn't going to take notes this time, but about 25 minutes into it I couldn't help myself! Overall, I found this audio class a little more difficult than the one I did yesterday in that without a visual reference I was confused often enough that I started to get frustrated. About 35 minutes in I almost just called it quits, but decided to keep going and finish it. So I completed the 63 minute class, but again ran into some time issues with lunch and felt like I had to rush afterwards- need to keep tweaking the time I give myself to do these audio classes at home.

This class started with Uddiyana in Badda Konasana with a focus on back traction and it was super cool. It felt great and was much more productive than my focus-less repetitions of Uddiyana in the past (I used to do several rounds every morning in horse stance, but eventually stopped when I couldn't think of exactly why I was doing it anymore).

Most of the Abs with the Mat came with the same thing I mentioned yesterday. Still TMI, I know. Today bs with Frog Legs was added and I found this to be frustrating. I'm sure I'm just not doing it right because every time the cue is given to feel your low back spread on the ground I'm thinking "What the heck?!" because I already feel my low back on the floor. With my legs up like that I find it hard to pull my stomach in as much as I can when my legs are straight. Over all I don't end up feeling much- which is why I know I'm not doing it right.

THEN we did something like "Windmill Legs" where I simply became hopelessly lost. I laid down and tried to do what I think she was saying, but am about 99% certain it wasn't correct because the continued cues through out the move didn't make any sense to me the way I was moving my body.

However, by this point in the practice I was starting to feel those cooling china gel rivulets up my back again- neat!

It came time to do Turbo Dog and it was kind of cool to hear more instructions for doing this pose because I've seen it in Ana Forrests DVD's and have always felt a little confused, but I started to see how to do it today. Doesn't mean I was doing it right yet though. :) I stayed on my knees. I can see how it is a big strengthening pose, but I find it hard to lift up in between my shoulder blades (again, this spreading of the upper back is pretty opposite of what is done in Anusara where shoulder blades are always supposed to come onto the back and the space between them becomes a little concave). I'm not sure if I feel it in my chest at all- just in my triceps.

Body Surfing came next and let me tell you- this cannot be executed as intended when one is practicing on carpet! Instead of dragging my body with my arms, I'd just stretch out my arms and drag them to me- ha!

Then we did a weird walking pigeon toed with roll between the legs thing to turn on the obliques, but without a visual reference I felt pretty lost. I tried, but it was confusing.

Then we did a Cobra Pushup with the rolled up mat between the legs. It was hard for me to keep my hands directly below my shoulders and pull my chest forward to go up and come down. One, it was hard on my wrists (damn carpal tunnel) and I wasn't really sure if I was feeling the pull my chest forward to come up- with my hands that far back (directly below my shoulders).

Gosh, then there was a Lounging Lizard pose with the roll, but I wasn't sure where the roll was supposed to be (between the legs or lying across it)- I had it between my legs. I also was confused about where my hand was supposed to be because we were lying down in a straight line from heel to hip to shoulder and then she said to have the arm we were to lean on be 6 inches away from us- I don't know- I just leaned on my forearm (better for my unhappy wrist anyway). While I'm certain I wasn't doing it exactly right, I did feel and get a stretch in my ribcage.

At the end we did a nice upper back bend traction thing (standing) that felt pretty good, though if I'd stayed in it any longer I think I would have started dumping into my lower back.

Lying in savasana at the end I was amazed at how many things I can think about when I'm supposed to be aiming my breath into a part of my back (I chose my low back because I find it hardest to breath into it).

Ooh, am starting to notice that in Forrest yoga one is often told to roll to the left side as opposed to the right side. I used to wonder why we always roll to the right in yoga classes (like when coming up from savasana) and was told that since the heart is on the left side, rolling to the right bathes the right side of the body in blood (or something). I wonder why Forrest yoga chooses to roll to the left more often than the right- is there a reason? I don't mind- just curious!

Despite my confusion with this class I think I still got something from it. I'd say I turned on some sensations in my core. Even though it can be frustrating with no visual reference, if the instructions are confusing to you, I still love it compared to a DVD! No glasses. Nothing to crank my neck and look at. Just wide open ears and churning brain trying to figure out what to do- there are worse things. :)

Last Tai Chi Wednesday

Tonight was the last class of the 10 class series Logan and I did together. However, he went alone again tonight. I simply had too much homework that had to be done for Thursday to go. Plus I can't help but get the I.R.B.D.Y. (I'd Rather Be Doing Yoga) feeling when it's time to go to Tai Chi :)

Logan is considering signing up for the next series though. It is an enjoyable thing to do and I'm glad we did it- even if we didn't have perfect attendance!

MP3 Initiation

Back when we lived in Kuwait I ordered a yoga CD that came with a poster (Yoga Sanctuary with Shiva Rea) and used it once or twice. Otherwise I've only used DVD's to practice to at home- never a lone audio recording sans any visual reference.

Until today.

Today I did a Gentle Forrest Yoga class with Heidi Sormaz audio class- streamed it from the iTunes on the computer through our Xbox in the living room (sweet!) I'm a total dork and took a bunch of notes through out and am now going to regale any and all who read this post with my thoughts, questions and observations! It's how I'm going to learn though- right?! Not that I plan on doing this every time, but when the urge strikes- why not?!

After beginning, I quickly realized I could take off my glasses because I didn't have anything to look at! Even when I'm just going through my personal stretches, I'm usually watching TV and am therefore wearing my glasses. So it was cool to be able to take them off and just pay attention with my ears.

The class started off with a Brahmari chakra pranyama that I really enjoyed. Basically we did three rounds of brahmari directed towards each of the 7 chakras, starting with the crown chakra. I noticed that it was easier for me to feel the vibrations in the middle chakras- the ones closer to the heart- than the peripheral ones.

Since we started with this focus on the chakra's, Heidi instructed us to choose a chakra that we wanted to work with through out class. Maybe a chakra that is close to a spot that has an injury for example. My shoulders are sore (tetanus shot yesterday in right arm, flu shot in left) and I figured the heart chakra is the closest one to the shoulders, so I picked it! Plus I find it to be the easiest one to feel and breath into.

Next I was to press down on the middle of my thigh (in easy pose) with my hand while breathing into the hip to start releasing the hips. However, I noticed that pressing down on my thigh for that long and that hard (maybe I was doing it too hard?) fired up my carpal tunnel and made my hand/wrist very unhappy. I tried modifying by pressing down with a fist and what not, but it just kind of sucks to not be able to put a lot of pressure on my hands.

At the end of that pose (after the second side) I realized I wasn't doing it correctly. That's the tricky thing about not having a visual reference- you just do what you think the teacher is saying and hope you interpret it right. I did realize what I should have been doing differently though and will do it that way next time.

Another thing I noticed during this pose was that it was hard to keep my chest up and release my neck at the same time (I chose to hang my head forward rather than dropping my ear to the side). Just something I need to work on.

Speaking of things I need to work on- not that I haven't noticed it before (because I have)- but I have a hard time inhaling fully for a long time. It seems my inhales are always very short but my exhales can last and last. I think it's weird- just what am I exhaling if I didn't inhale deeply?? Maybe I'm just able to exhale with more control- slower- than I'm able to inhale. I know I can work on evening it out and counting and all that- but it's something I consistently notice in my practice. When I try to inhale full and deeply and for as long (or close to) as the teacher I always run out of air or my throat gets dry (yes I'm inhaling through my nose). I don't know what the deal is. Need to work on it though.

Ooh, next I learned that Gomukhasana (or Cow Faced Pose) is called Knee Pile in Forrest Yoga. How fitting! It certainly is a pile of knees and leaves out all confusion about how and why it is supposed to resemble a cow face!

When we got to Dolphin Prelude and Dolphin pose I noticed a difference between the way Forrest Yoga goes about it and the way Anusara would. I am not speaking for either tradition- only speaking from my perspective as a student and the way I understand things. In Forrest, to get into dolphin from all four's the instruction is to lift up through the upper back and then lift the hips and push back into dolphin. In Anusara, the instruction would be the opposite- to melt the heart- essentially make the upper back concave and then lift up through the hips and push back.

It's interesting because each style is aiming to do the same- to support the back of the heart- but Forrest does it by spreading the upper back and lifting up through it, while Anusara does it by melting the heart and pulling the shoulder blades fully onto the back. I notice this in a lot of other poses (in my limited experience with Anusara and even more limited experience with Forrest). I'm dying to hear from a teacher who knows some of both styles and can tell me if what I understand to be opposite directions are actually the same thing. I'm sure the aim is the same, but I think the approach the complete opposite of the other.

For instance, Forrest yoga is always saying "wrap the shoulders" and "spread the upper back" where as Anusara is always saying "squeeze the shoulder blades together" and "puff out your chest." That's all very simplified and leaves out a lot of details, but that is my very basic understanding. It doesn't even really matter if I ever know. If I'm doing Anusara I'll do it that way. If I'm doing Forrest I'll do it that way. Maybe someday I'll figure it out though.

Moving on!

Okay- Child's Pose in Forrest yoga is called Embryo. Cool. I kind of like that. It gives it more of a pulled in, restful feeling where as Child's Pose can sound like it's supposed to be playful even though it's a resting posture.

Ooh, how's this for too much information- abs rolled up with a mat seems to walk me right down queef road. Yep, that's right. I'm going there. How can I not? I can only be thankful that I'm at home! I do plan on going to Forrest workshops in the future though- is it a regular occurrence- like "oh ya, it's queef time"? Because it seems to me that any pose where the legs are up in the air and then things like lifting tail bone, inhaling, exhaling, and pull stomach in happen is asking to expel some air!

Another difference between Anusara and Forrest can be seen in Bridge Pose. In Forrest one flattens the upper back, shoulders and neck on the floor and has the arms out to the side with palms facing up. The tail bone curls up slowly which keeps the low back longer. Eventually the chest presses towards the face while the thighs lengthen out the other direction. In Anusara one rolls the shoulders underneath them, arches the lower back (sticks the butt out) and uses the clasped hands to help press up. Again, these are not inclusive instructions, but the gist as I see them. And I'm not comparing the two styles and saying one is right and the other is wrong. I just find it interesting to notice the different approaches as these are the two styles that inform my practice the most.

Next came Horse Stance with a twisting back traction thing. Ouch-i-mama, did my legs burn in horse stance! But my back felt great- I really felt a lot of space and length after doing the twisting back traction thing. My thighs burned, but my back felt like china gel- cool rivulets of space. It was neat!

In Triangle I was HAPPY to release my neck. I always feel strain in looking up at my hand in that pose (which I know isn't a must, but I always go to do it initially- habit I guess). Reverse Warrior while releasing the neck is one helluva balance challenge!

By the second side of the standing sequence my thigh muscles were very shaky! I think maybe I work harder practicing to an MP3 than I do to a DVD because I don't have to stop and look at anything (although I did keep stopping to write things down this time-oy!). And I certainly work harder listening to a teacher- even if it's via MP3- than I do on my own. I count my breaths on my own, but I think I speed them up according to how tired or impatient I am.

Of course practicing to an audio recording is a little harder because there isn't a visual reference, but I think it then speaks to how well the instructions are given and how well the student receives and interprets the instructions.

So I only got through 74 minutes of the 95 minute class because I didn't budget my time well today and started later than I should. I had to stop so that I had time to eat dinner (that my husband lovingly made for me- as usual!) and get to school on time. I did lie in savasana for a few minutes before I stopped, to try and integrate the experience.

I can't wait to do it again! The description given for the class says that it emphasizes hip opening and while I wouldn't have recognized the sequence as a hip opening sequence per se, I can say I definitely felt an unclogging through my hips, upper thighs and low back afterwards. Again, I had that icy cool china gel feeling.

Yea for yoga classes on MP3's!

Amendment

I would like to make an amendment to this post I wrote not too long ago in which I declared that I no long want to become a yoga teacher.

Well, the fact of the matter is that I do want to become a yoga teacher.

I don't know how it's going to play out. I may not get to a teacher training until after I graduate from college (3-4 years from now). I may get there sooner if we happen to move before I graduate. The act of moving will give me permission to take a hiatus from college for awhile, during which I will use the time to go to teacher training.

Until that day I will work on my studentship and developing my yoga practice- on the mat and in every day life. There is a Sufi saying that goes "Always give from the overflow of your well, not from its depth" that seems quite appropriate for the endeavor of becoming a yoga teacher.

Let the debate over yoga in America rage on. I'm not going to let it stop me from walking a path that feels right to me. I'm not trying to rush down that path, but it's mine to choose. If others want to judge- let them. A yogini has to start somewhere!

I don't have aspirations of becoming a guru or even a famous traveling yoga teacher. I just want to be able to share the joys and tools of yoga with others. I'm sure you've heard the saying that goes something like "if you want to really learn something, teach it." Just because I want to be a yoga teacher doesn't mean I'm going to be a great yoga teacher; doesn't mean I'm even going to be a mediocre one. But I won't know unless I try and unless I work hard at it.

As I said, in the mean time I'll work on filling my well and work on myself (which by the way, will never be "done," it's one of those forever kind of projects!)

(p.s. still want to be a roller derby girl too!)

Tiny Streak

While I'm pretty firm in my resolution to do yoga on my own on Tuesday's and Thursday's (heavy school days) I'm still working on what that looks like. Having been to a couple classes over the last week I started feeling like I wanted a more structured, class-like yoga practice at home as opposed to my regular set of stretches. I've had thoughts of doing the little bit of Ashtanga I know on Tues/Th to be followed up with a Mysore class on Sunday mornings, but that hasn't happened.

Yesterday I put all the excuses aside and stuck in Ana Forrest's Embodying Spirit DVD. No fussing about having to practice on carpet, no lamenting that the temperature in the room isn't right- just stuck it in and did it all the way through. It was great! I think that is one of the first times I've worked with that DVD so attentively since I've taken up yoga here in Austin. I used to try the DVD back when I lived in Kuwait and it was a totally different experience since I didn't have as much yoga experience. Thursday I hope to do the other Forrest DVD I have (the name escapes me right now). I figure if I get used to working with these DVD's I'll have an easier time practicing to all of the Forrest MP3's there are out there. Plus I want to work on getting some of the terminology into my body so that I'm not so lost when I finally make it to a workshop with Ana Forrest (fingers crossed for April 2010!).

This morning I made it to a moderate yoga class- yea! However, I would have probably stayed home if I'd known how painful my carpal tunnel was going to be in class. Before class even began- as I was getting settled in I noticed how acutely painful it was to simply push up off the floor or put any pressure on my left had at all. Yikes! I forewarned the teacher and tried to modify by rolling up the top of my mat, using a blanket, and just going onto fists but none of those helped. The pain was simply too sharp. So I spent the whole class on my forearms whenever we were in hand weight bearing poses. I did dolphin the whole time instead of downdog. It was so bad I almost just left, but I stuck it out and intelligently used a bunch of alternatives I seem to know. It's got me thinking about morning classes though- maybe I shouldn't go to them? I don't know. For the rest of the week I am going to try using a heating pad on my hands/wrists before I go to any morning classes to help get rid of some of the stiffness and hopefully prevent what happened today.

The class was with a new-to-me teacher so I was curious how it would go. She wasn't bad, but something was bugging me about her. By the end of class I figured out what it was- she didn't smile! After the introductions- she never smiled again- until class was over and people were saying their thank you's and goodbye's. It makes a huge impression on me if a teacher doesn't use any humor, let alone NO smiling. Weird. I might go back to her- but maybe not.

Ooh, also I didn't like the temperature in the room at all! It was around 55 deg F here in Austin this morning and the studio was fairly cool- certainly below 75 deg F. I took off my long sleeve shirt though because I knew we were going to get moving and warm up. Well, while we were sitting and centering the teacher got up and turned on the fan. Hmmm. I don't know if she did it simply to drown out the traffic noises or if it was because she was anticipating some sweat and heat from movement. However, we did very gentle warm-ups from a sitting position for a long time! Very uncomfortable to have it be that cool- have the fan on- and not get moving for so long. Even though I'm not a huge fan of heated yoga classes, today's class got me thinking that I would prefer a class be warm when it's so cool outside- at least until every one gets moving and sweaty. At the end of class, during savasana, I was really hoping she'd turn the fan off but she didn't. C'mon now- when it's 55 deg F outside please leave the fan off in the room- I'd much rather hear the traffic outside. It also can't count as simply "moving the air around the room" when the fan is close enough to the students (i.e. me this time around) that it's blowing on them.


So anyway- there it is- my tiny streak of 3 days in a row of yoga classes!

What a Concept

Today I got a good amount of homework done. I also snuck in a couple loads of laundry and kept the kitchen picked up. I made it to a wonderful yoga class (all women's group with one of my favorite teachers- very sweet and open people) where I learned some neat new-to-me small details that can be worked on every day. At the end, as I lay in savasana, my hips and thighs felt like well wrung out rags. Ahhhh. Now I am home and about to have a lovely dinner by Chef Logan and because I was so productive today I have the whole evening free to watch a movie with said chef. Before bed I’ll even have time to squeeze in a phone call with a long lost friend. Shoot- I even got some blogging in today. Plus a phone call to my mom!

So THAT’S what a balanced day looks like. This is what it feels like.

Work hard (homework), take time for myself (yoga), and end up with free time to spend with loving husband. What a concept!

It’s not that this kind of day never happens. It probably happens quite often. It’s just that this type of day feels like a distant memory on the stuck, gunky, bad days.

Off My Game

Have I mentioned that I've been off my game? Yes, I believe I have.

Turns out I'm so off my game, that it's going to take a little more oomph than my lovely private lesson last week to get me back on my game. And that's okay. It doesn't take anything away from the private lesson I had. I can still use it as momentum...it's just taking a little longer to get the ball rolling than I thought it would.

I tried to go to a yoga class the following day (last Friday) but clearly underestimated how long it would take me to get to the studio. So instead of going to a yoga class, I ended up in the car for a good hour just to end up bringing some lunch (Curry 'N a Hurry) home for the hubbs and I (ironic because that curry place is only 5 minutes from our house- ha!). I was so sore though that I did do my own stretches that day.

That evening we went roller skating and I worked my butt off! I pulled the husband around the rink half the time because the dear thing is giving it his all, but is still very uncomfortable on the skates! Plus I experimented with going as fast as I could around the inner track which is the track the roller derby skates around. I skated the length and coasted the curves and can totally see how easy it would be to tear an ACL just like that! Ended up with some hot spots on my outside foot (right foot) due to the oh so lovely and beat up rent a skate.

Saturday I was still sore from the private lesson on Thursday, but it was kicked up a notch with the soreness gained from the skating Friday night. My glutes DEFINITELY got a work out and the sore, hot spots on my foot went away by Sunday. I rolled around on some tennis balls to work out the soreness from the glutes, but never made it to a yoga class and I don't even think I did my full set of stretches. I had some major manic energy going on that day and I went and donated all of the remaining cat stuff to the Austin Humane Society and the Pet Food Bank of Austin and Travis County. Then I packed up about 95% of all of our books to get ready to take to the Half Price Book Store. Then I packed up a few things to donate to Goodwill. After all of that I had an intense urge to rearrange the furniture in our bedroom and clean, clean, clean!

Sunday was a big pitfall after the go-go-go energy of Saturday. I sort of started some homework, but ended up curled up on the bed doing nothing in an attempt to 1)not get stuck watching TV, 2) not get stuck on the Internet, 3) not interrupt the husband as he worked on finishing his homework and 4) stop engaging in my self-destructive habit that I found myself doing so much that day. Every time my loving husband came in to try and shake me out of my funk I refused to open up and let him help me feel better. I was stubborn until the late, late afternoon when I finally got myself together and the husband took me for a walk in the park and then for some dim-sum.

Today is my chance to try and get as much homework done as I can since I did so little over the weekend. I am also going to yoga tonight. I'm looking forward to it, as it's a women's yoga class at a private residence that will be meeting every other week for a total of four classes. Hopefully tonight will add a little to the momentum that got started last week with the private lesson. I also hope to get my own stretches in today before the class tonight as I'm feeling really tight from not stretching much over the last few days. That will help me be a little more open physically for tonight as well.

I keep trying to "remember what I want" and I give myself pep talks all the time about how bored I am with this way of being- but the patterns I am set in run deep and are strong. I can only start with where I am right now and do my best to get through this day better than I did yesterday. Shoot- forget getting back on my game- I want to be a new player in a new game!

Ooh, that brings me to the update on my roller derby girl dreams. They are on hold for right now. I think I am going to wait until the first primer session in 2010. That'll give me more time to buy the equipment (very expensive initial investment) and possibly get some health insurance which would be the very responsible thing to do! Still want to do it though!

K, need to get off here and get started on my homework!

Arrhythimic Yoga

Arrhythmia is a disorder of the heart rate (pulse) or heart rhythm, such as beating too fast (tachycardia), too slow (bradycardia), or irregularly.

In an earlier post I referred to my yoga practice as being bradycardic as of late to emphasis the slowed heart beat of my yoga practice, but arrhythmic is almost more accurate because, if nothing else, my practice has definitely been irregular.

When an arrhythmia is serious, urgent treatment may be needed in order to restore a normal rhythm. My yoga practice urgently needs to be restored to a normal rhythm! Having battled depression and anxiety all of my life, it is imperative that I get daily doses of exercise. Yoga is exercise for my body, mind and soul.

If you develop symptoms of arrhythmia you're supposed to contact a health care provider. Since it's my yoga practice that is arrhythmic I felt a one on one session with a yoga professional (one of my favorite yoga teachers) was in order. Yesterday I received my treatment (private lesson) and am hoping it'll be what I need to help reset my practice!

While warming up my teacher had me do a strong extended side angle pose and that turned out to be the pose I was able to release a lot of my pent up feelings of grief in. Maybe because of the wonderful cues she gave for me to feel the grief moving out of my chest, up through and out my extended arm, and down through my extended leg into the earth. That pose, and those cues, really helped me shift something inside. It's so interesting to me because that wasn't the pose I was expecting to trigger that shift.

Then we worked a lot with handstands (always good for changing the perspective!) and moved on to back bends (after a few stops in half-moon and anjaneyasana). Unfortunately my carpal tunnel objected a bit to the full wheels and my right hand went numb about half way through my second full wheel. I modified the last one with my teachers ankles and then let it go. Afterwards she gave me several nice assists (enhancing my inner spiral) which helped counter the back bends.

Then she let me have a nice long savasana with some blankets across my thighs and another nice inner spiral assist that left me feeling very connected to the ground in my resting pose.

Afterwards, I felt better! There was a distinct brightness present that wasn't there before.

Today I am sore as hell (whether I practice every day or once a week- a one on one session with a teacher of the Anusara style always brings about great soreness- engaging muscular energy under the eye of a teacher who has no one else to watch but you is hard work!) but it's that good kind of sore. And what's a cure for yoga soreness? Do more yoga! So I have plans to go to a noon class today. Tonight is roller skating with the husband and some friends.

Here's to using the momentum created from the wonderful healing energy of my private lesson to reset my practice and get back into a daily yoga rhythm!

A friend of a friend recently shared this quote with me:

"Discipline means remembering what you want."

Tai Chi Wednesday

Logan and I missed our Tai Chi class last week due to the loss we experienced in our family. Tonight we were able to make it though and it was the 7th class out of the 10 class series.

At this point we're working on refining the Tai Chi walk and working on getting the flavor- the essence- down for the poses we know such as: Parting Wild Horses Mane, Brush Knee and Grasping Swallows Tail.

We've also begun working on Cloud Hands and our instructor tells us (the whole class!) that it should only take about 1,000 more practice sessions before we get that one down. :) He's right too- it's a difficult one!

The brand-new-to-us pose that we learned this time is called Repulsing the Monkey- how cool is that?! I just love that name! When our instructor first demonstrated it I thought "Yea right- how am I going to be able to do that?!" Well it turns out that it's one of the easier poses that we've learned thus far.

A big difference between yoga and tai chi is that when you're learning a new pose it gets repeated over and over again on just ONE side in tai chi before you move on and attempt it on the other side. Talk about inducing muscle fatigue! I do wish that we were able to practice immediately on the other side and continue to switch back and forth- more like what is done in yoga. It makes for more balanced work I think.

Back to Repulsing the Monkey- I'm going to have to get video of us doing this pose sometime! It's just so much fun! It has a very "Tai Chi" feeling and look to it. Basically it's the most Jet Li move we now know! :)

Again, before going to class tonight and while waiting for it to begin, all I kept thinking and saying was how much I'd rather be going to yoga. I don't love the idea of going to class. But always afterwards I am glad I went. Never once have I felt bummed that I went to class after it was over. Thank goodness I have Logan to prod me along, otherwise I probably would have dropped out of the series weeks ago- ignoring the feeling I get after class and just going with the feeling I get before.

We have two classes left in the series. After which, if there is another series, Logan will probably continue on and I'll probably have to pass up. It will conflict with my upcoming roller derby practice schedule!!! :)

In Need of Back Bends

The weather today is beautiful again- 80 degrees (F), sunny, cool breeze.  The trees are alive with butterflies and the birds have a lot to say.  We've had all of the windows wide open all day. 

I took a nap this afternoon and the fresh scent from outside and the breeze coming through was dreamy.  After my nap, I finished my homework and decided to take my home practice outside to the balcony.  I'm not saying I'm giving up my stretches in front of the TV, but since the balcony is currently bird seed and ant free I figured I'd take advantage! It was such a treat!  It's been a couple of days since I've done my home practice.  I also excused myself from group class yesterday so I could do some homework and prepare a special meal for Logan who I picked up from the airport in the afternoon. 

Today I really had the sense of taking care of myself as I practiced.  However, I also feel a lot of unshed tears living in my chest.  I'm so sad about our cats death, but feel like I've suppressed a lot of my grief.  The last time a pet of mine died I was just 16.  I cried for two weeks straight- and I'm talking sobbed from the deepest part of my soul for what seemed like 24 hours a day! 

This time, even when I was in the room with my cat last week- right before, during, and after the euthanasia- I kept trying to hold back the tears.  They came through some- but I remember that all I kept thinking was that I had to pull it together, I had to calm down, I had to be strong, etc etc.  I think part of it was that I drove there and had to drive home so I couldn't be a complete wreck- I couldn't let myself go.  So I stuffed the emotions back inside every time they bubbled up.  They've come out in little spurts since then, but nothing full fledged.  I feel the unexpressed sobs in my chest.

I spent all weekend huddled on the couch, drowning out everything with the TV.  I've been trying to get back into a regular schedule the last day or two and as I do I know there is still crying left to do.  Stretching today I could feel it.  I think back bends are in order.  I'm not the greatest practitioner of back bends on my own though.  All of the extra funds this month that would otherwise go towards yoga workshops are going to be put towards roller derby instead. 

Despite that, I don't think I can resist setting up a private lesson with one of my favorite teachers.  She's of the Anusara clan and gives amazing private lessons.  Back bends and upside down-ness are what I will be seeking.  Part of me is almost afraid because just thinking of doing deep, open back bends brings tears to my eyes and makes me want to cry.  What's going to happen when I actually do them?!?!

Injury Irony

What's worse than getting injured doing yoga? 
Getting injured not doing yoga.

What's worse that that?
Getting injured going NOTHING.

Yep, woke up today with pain in my right shoulder that continues to get worse as the day wears on.  Must have slept on it wrong or something.  Ugh.

I had shoulder pain last year (mainly in the left shoulder) that I was finally able to get rid of in September with acupuncture.  Since then I've been incredibly cognisant of it and take care to not aggravate it again (i.e., modify chaturanga's, etc...). 

But it wasn't the 108 sun salutations I did last winter solstice that brought pain back to my shoulder.
It wasn't my forays into Ashtanga this year that brought pain back to my shoulder.
It certainly wasn't my bradycardic yoga practice as of late.

No, it was sleep. 
Yep, hurt my shoulder sleeping.

Oh the irony.

Healing With Yoga?

As I've mentioned, I have a plethora of class passes at studios around town. Despite my desire to use these passes up (which if I went somewhere for yoga every day- or even 4 days a week I'd do) it's not happening. It's getting hard to imagine the days that I used to go to yoga at least 4 times a week- sometimes every day. The difference between then and now is that I used to have an unlimited pass at just one studio. When that's the case you want to make sure you're getting your money's worth so you go- more often than you otherwise would. At least I did. Without an unlimited pass at a "home" studio I simply find myself going to classes less often. I keep thinking that if I can just use up the passes I have then I can get an unlimited pass somewhere again and hopefully get back into a good groove. The challenge is getting to that point though!

In using up the passes I have, I really want to pick a regular slew of classes to go to so that I can become a regular in that class, at that studio, with that teacher, on that day. A lot of progress can happen if you go to the same class each week. I'm trying to make that happen, but this week have only succeeded in making it to one class. It seems there is always something else that comes up- always a reason to not go.

This week my cat passed away and my husband had to leave town to go to a funeral back where he's from. You can read more about it here, but it's made for a challenging week. My heart is heavy, the days seem long, and the house too empty. I find myself going to bed later and later each night, fighting to stay up for I don't know why. I sleep in later than usual, but end up with less sleep. It's hard to focus, but homework needs to be done, tests need to be studied for and taken, and the house needs to be cleaned. I'm going to try to go roller skating tonight with some friends, but every other half hour feel like canceling and just staying home. I've been doing my stretches at home, but moving through them quickly and very late at night.

It's all got me thinking about the healing yoga is supposed to help bring. My self-destructive habit has been in overdrive. It takes so much conscious effort, every moment of every day, to refrain from engaging in it that when I feel weak and I slip it undoes all of the effort I put in trying to not do it. I'm starting to realize that yoga isn't going to heal me. I think that people who heal themselves through yoga already have something in them that make them ready to recover; some inner strength and willpower that predisposes them to healing.

I'm not saying I'll never heal. I'm just realizing that attempting to do yoga every day isn't going to make it happen. Maybe I'm just not ready- maybe I'm just not in that place yet. I don't know. It just seems to me that if I was ready I would use all of the tools yoga has to offer, but I don't. I know about them. I read about them. I experiment with them. But I don't do them consistently. Ana Forrest didn't recover from her eating disorder simply by doing sun salutations. Something was already in her that made her able to do those sun salutations to distract herself when she needed to be distracted. Something draws people into using these tools consistently and they are then able to heal. You have to have that something though. Otherwise all of the inconsistent, attempted use of yoga isn't going to do the trick.

Latest Flight of Fancy

What's a yogini to do when she feels like she's lost her way?  Why she puts on a pair of quad skates and goes out for the local [rec] roller derby league of course!

Yep, exit yoga teacher training daydreams and enter roller girl daydreams!

I've been in contact with both the local banked-track league and the flat track league over the last week or two and am accumulating information and courage. 

Where did this come from???  Well, the husband and I saw our first roller derby bout (banked-track) last May and I remember thinking during the first half that it was really cool and maybe I should look into it.  However, by the time the second half came around (once the girls were tired and grumpier) the contact escilated greatly and I started thinking that maybe I should stick with my yoga. :) 

Over the last few months I've reconnected with an old classmate from high school (on Facebook of course) who happens to be a roller girl in Denver.  That brought the whole roller derby idea back to my mind.  Then the movie "Whip It" came out shortly before I decided to give up the yoga teacher plan.  Before you know it, my mind connected the dots and now this is what I want to try and do!

The hubs and I got out to the roller skating rink last Friday.  This was the first time I've been on roller skates since I can't remember when (there was a brief stint of rollerblading in my early twenties, but nothing really worth noting).  Saturday night we went out with friends to see another banked-track bout (championship!) and actually saw a girl break her leg.  It was more than enough to give a yogini pause!  This morning I went to a scrimmage the flat-track rec league team was having and watched them.  I spoke with one of the girls and her husband and learned all sorts of things about flat-track and how it differs from banked-track derby. 

This coming weekend I plan on going to a workshop the banked-track league is hosting.  At the end of the month there is an orientation for the flat-track rec league as they are hosting a "primer session" at the beginning of November that I will probably participate in.  The banked-track league is offering another workshop in November before their try-outs which are at the end of November. 

As it stands now, I'm definitely leaning towards the flat-track rec league.  Who knows- a year or two with them and maybe I can try out for the regular Texas Rollergirls!

My yoga practice will come in handy for keeping my body balanced as all of that skating is bound to make a girl one-sided!  My plan is to get out on skates as much as I can before the primer session and do my best- all the while having as much fun as I can!  If it happens it happens- if it doesn't it doesn't.  At least I'll always be able to say I tried!

Present

I just finished doing my home practice/stretching routine (including a joyful handstand) for the first time in over a week and you want to know what it felt like....like unwrapping a present.

Finding My Inner Compass

The hubs and I had a big talk today about the need to find an inner point of reference- an inner compass- rather than comparing oneself to others.

This is hard for me.

I draw a blank and almost can't fathom what it would be like to not want to be like somebody else- who am I if I'm not trying to be like my favorite yoga teacher? Why do I go to college and seek a degree if it isn't because other people I know did or because society expects me to? If I'm not comparing or worrying about what other people think then who am I?

Whether it's as a college student, a yoga practioner, a wife, a daughter, a friend- I'm always trying (and failing) to be as good at these things as other people- the ones who inspire me. I do think "what would so and so do" or "I bet so and so would handle this better" but the husband challenged me today to think "what would I do" or "how can I best handle this situation."

This of course is scary and empowering all at the same time. I'm kind of excited to find out but also a little terrified. I feel like my inner compass is dormant (well, at first I insisted that it was covered in slime and broken, if it even existed at all!) and it needs to be woken up. It needs to be used.

It's really easy to get caught up in other people's paths- see someone else's yoga journey (for example) and where it's brought them and who they are now- and to want to emulate it somehow- seeing it as better than the path I am on. But it can't be said too many times that we each have our own path- our own road to follow. It IS going to look different than the road someone else took. It IS going to BE different. It needs to be embraced.

I've been thinking about this recently and then the conversation Logan and I had today about using our own inner compass for reference- not anybody else- helped bring it home.

It's a daunting thought for me- to not want to be like somebody else....to turn inside myself for direction and guidance.  And not reading shadows from the past either- not "how have I handled this before" or "what did I do last time when this happened"- but reading the compass as it is in this moment-so the thought would be "what is the best way I can handle this right now" or "how can I improve the way I am feeling right now."

Whenever there are low self-esteem issues it's always challenging to WANT to be yourself- to be EXCITED about being yourself...

But to wake up my inner compass and discover who I am- that's a little bit exciting (and a little past due). It also sounds like a lot of effing work :) but hopefully it'll lead to more peace than I've found in doing everything but.

In A Funk

My yoga practice has all but come to a stand still.

I did three days of the 5-day Mysore workshop last week and haven't done anything since- to include my own home practice/stretching routine. 

I have thoughts of doing the bit of practice I was shown in the Mysore class on my own and dropping in on Juan's 8am Sunday Mysore class for refinements and add-on's, but in order to do 10 sun salutations I need to go somewhere that doesn't have carpet like we do here at chez moi. 

I could walk right across the street to the gym that our apartment complex has, but I don't.  Why?  I don't know.  I get so close- all dressed, hair up, about to grap my mat- and then I chicken out.  For some reason I don't feel comfortable going there.  Because this is what I want to do though I haven't even been doing my own stretches because I keep waiting to do them until after I've done the Mysore practice- but I don't do that so I don't stretch and the cycle repeats itself!

I've gone through bouts of soreness from not stretching.  Some times it feels unbearable and instead of finding relief in finally stretching, I lie down and take a nap instead.  Or do something else that is not stretching.  Why?  I don't know.  It's like I'm allowing myself to wallow in a certain misery.  If I stretched I'd feel better, but something in my mind doesn't want to feel better. 

Time seems to have sped up over the last couple of weeks and I don't feel like I have enough of it anymore. 

I have class passes at something like 5 or 6 studios around town and most days I don't feel like going to a class at any of them.  The classes I do want to go (whether it's at a studio I have a pass at or not), I always seem to find a reason to not go- too early, too far, too much homework to do, etc....

I don't know what it is.

I'm dreaming up plans of immersing myself into a new, crazy hobby- trying to reinvent myself perhaps?  Maybe it's because I had been holding onto the idea of become a yoga teacher so tightly that now that I've let that go I don't know what to think about....so I've filled in the blank.  If you knew with what you'd think I'm insane!  I'm going to see how far it goes and then will share more.  At least this new thing gives me something to daydream about.  I am the kind of person that needs to daydream. 

Tonight is Tai Chi with the hubs.  Maybe I'll stretch when we get back.  What's more likely is that I'll find sudden motivation to tackle the next chapter in my Art History book...

Definitely in a funk.

On Becoming a Yoga Teacher

I have some new thoughts on becoming a yoga teacher....culminating in the realization that I don't want to be one- at least not anytime soon.  Maybe in 5 years, or maybe in 10 years, or maybe never.

I started thinking about wanting to be a yoga teacher about three years ago while I was staying at Shoshoni Yoga Retreat.  They were conducting a teacher training program while I was there and it's the first time it really occurred to me that it is something I want to do.  After we got to Austin last summer and I began practicing yoga in earnest the desire to become a teacher took on a life of its own and has been like a shadow to me ever since. 

I usually go in cycles of wanting to do it right now, more than anything else in the world.  I endlessly research teacher training programs. 

Then I calm down, slow down and with a little perspective see that yes I want to be a yoga teacher, but my training can wait until we are in a better situation financially to afford it and I am out of college so that I can devote my studies to just yoga. 

This is followed by all of my doubts and concerns about becoming a yoga teacher.  Who am I to be a yoga teacher?

Then there is everything I read online about the lack of respect out there for "young" yoga teachers (though I'm not so young, I am young in my yoga practice).  The lack of respect for new yoga teachers.  The endless debate about styles of yoga and what yoga is looking like in America today and what is "right" and what is "wrong."  All of the current teachers out there fighting tooth and nail to make a living- or not- depending on their situation.  The disgruntled undercurrent that exists about so many people going through teacher training programs.  I've heard teachers wonder aloud "if so many students go through training to become teachers there won't be any students left to teach."  TT programs are a huge money maker for those who offer them so how can I know if I'm a good candidate and worthy of training to become a teacher or if I am selling out and simply helping someone pay their bills- being part of the assembly line of new teachers being cranked out...

I hear and read this kind of stuff all of the time.

Really taking a step back and analyzing my yoga practice over the last several months, noting our current situation (tight budgeted college students), and setting all my personal doubts aside and just taking in the overall climate of yoga in America today.....it's all led me to the decision that I don't want to be a yoga teacher.  I don't want to wear that mantle.  I don't want to bear that responsibility.  I don't want to have to defend myself.  I don't want to feel less than.  I don't want to be a part of the judging and pointing fingers about what yoga is or should be.

It's impossible for me to point out all of the articles and blogs I've read that have contributed to this decision, but a couple of examples are the recent conversation I mentioned in this blog post and many posts on this blog.

In a way it's very freeing....to not want to be a yoga teacher anymore.  I can do whatever I want with my practice.  If I make it to workshops, great- if not, no big deal.  If my asana's and my understanding of yoga philosophy advance and grow, great- if not, no big deal.  If I practice daily, great- if not, no big deal.  There is no rush.  No need to prove myself.  I can simply be a student- nothing more and nothing less.  My shadow is gone (well this shadow anyhow).  

Fabulous Discussion Happening

There is a wonderfully thoughtful and interesting conversation going on over at it's all yoga, baby that I wanted to let people know about.  Lots of people with informed opinions weighing in on an important but complex topic.  Just reading through it has helped me shape my own opinion (more on that soon!).

Meanwhile check it out if you have time!

28 SEP 09- “adidas yoga” class offered at yj conference

1 OCT 09- the adidas+yoga equation

Kreativ Blogger (UPDATED 4 OCT 09)

About  a week ago Mandy over at Yoga Addicted passed on a Kreativ Blogger Award to me- how cool is that?!  Thanks Mandy!  Part of the reason I am just now posting this is because I am supposed to share 7 things about me that are surprising and then pass the award on to 7 people.  The passing on the award won't be hard, but the sharing 7 surprising things about me has me confounded to say the least!

I honestly don't know what to share!  When I read other people's "7 things" they always seem so interesting.  I can't fathom what to share about me that would seem interesting to other people.

So how about this- if anyone wants to ask me a question I'll answer 7 questions or something....

Meanwhile I am happy to pass along the Kreativ Blogger Award.  My favorite blogs to read are ones that are updated often and are written by people who are sharing their Truth- their everyday struggles, joys, and insights about life and whatever else comes up.   Without further ado (in no particular order):

Autumn Lotus Yoga

My Yoga Blog

BlissChick

Christina Sell

Linda's Yoga Journey

it's all yoga, baby

Sanieh Yoga

Now it's your turn to post 7 things about yourself, copy and paste the Blog Award onto your blog, and pass it along to 7 others!

And remember, if anyone can think of any questions I can answer to share 7 things about myself I'm all ears (or eyes as it were).  If I come up with anything on my own I'll surely come back and share!

UPDATED 4 OCT 09:

Alright, with the suggestions from my friend I will now list 7 surprising things about me. The reason I didn't list these things right off the bat is because I worry they may be misconstrued in some way- so please, if something comes across as disconcerting to anyone just ask me about it- no judging allowed!

7 Things About Me That May Surprise You

1)  I joined the Army when I was 18 and was trained as a veterinary technician- go figure!

2)  I was stationed in Germany when I was 23 where I worked in a diagnostic laboratory- I conducted rabies tests which requires the removal of the [already humanely euthanized] animals' brain

3)  I also worked with all sorts of funky tumors and tissue samples- preparing them for the pathologist to look at by measuring them, writing down a description, and trimming them for histology slides

4)  My husband and I met in Germany (in an Irish pub)- he was in the Army at the time as well.

5)  After we got out of the Army we got married and I moved to Kuwait to live with him (he'd gotten a job there as a civilian). I lived in Kuwait for 1.5 years (my husband was there a total of 2 years)...we just moved back to the states in May 2008

6)  I hated onions my entire life until I met my husband who slowly introduced them to me and my apparently new palette.  Now I love them!

7)  If I drink alcohol at all it is only champagne, a sweet white wine, or amber woodchuck- and even then I can only do maybe half a glass of any of them.....I'm too paranoid about getting a headache or feeling dehydrated to handle any more than that (though there was a time back in the day when I could hang with the best of 'em!)

Counter Intuitive

Today I decided to not finish the 5-day Mysore series I've been participating in this week.

I've enjoyed the experience and feel like I've received a better introduction to Ashtanga than ever before, but Castle Hill is simply too far.  It wouldn't be as bad if the timing worked out so that I didn't have to drive home during rush hour, but I do and it sucks.  Yesterday it took me over 40 minutes to get home and I got cut-off numerous times by other drivers.  I have no commute regularly to speak of.  I walk across the street to school.  The main thing I drive around town for is yoga.  If the commute to and/or from yoga class becomes a time-suck out of my day (and a dangerous one at that with all of the cutting-off that happens!) then at some point it becomes counter intuitive to continue to do it.  Especially on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday when I have places I have to be by 7pm. 

I thought about sucking it up and getting through today and then not worrying much about the commute tomorrow since I don't have anything going on Friday evenings, but then I remembered all of the Sun Salutations.  Slogging my way through traffic just to get there and spend 30 minutes (if I'm lucky) doing Sun Salutations did not sound like an appealing option today.  Also started wondering why I'm trying so hard to make a connection to this teacher when I'm probably not going to be able to get to his regular classes (would have to drive home from those during morning rush hour- ugh).

I was absolutley dragging today.  Bleary-eyed and unmotivated. 

I take away a positive experience with Ashtanga though- which is awesome.  I got the chance to learn from a great local teacher.  I got 3 days in a row of yoga class- which hasn't happened in awhile.  I feel rejunivated in my desire to get back to practicing more.  It really is more about the drive than the Sun Salutiatons (but they don't help :D).  Since I wasn't just trying to get out of a yoga class, I looked around online at studios closer to me for a class to go to this evening instead and came up empty.  The one I would want to go to is a longer 90 minute class that doesn't end until 6pm so I'd still be running short on time since I'd have to shower, eat dinner, and get to class by 7pm.  So yes, I want to get back to going to group classes more often, but still feel a little frustrated as I can't seem to find a studio with a schedule that meets my needs and wants.  More on that another time, perhaps.

It's ironic that today I finally started to overcome the soreness I've been experiencing this week, but decided to stay home.  I did a lovely little home practice and stretched out my body.

I'm feeling much less frazzled than if I had just gotten home from a wicked 40 minute drive in rush hour.

Didn't even have to consume a redbull today!